naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
No subtext here. People are naked.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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