I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
