YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
