tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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