My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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