Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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