You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
