I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
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