Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
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Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
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He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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