I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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