I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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