Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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