fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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