is wine microwaveable?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
