i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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