You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
