1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
