3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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