If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
