Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
