I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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