Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
