so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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