so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
