You're my little dorito
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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