good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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