I wannas sexs uuuuu
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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