Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I just blew my weed a kiss
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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