why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Randomize
