the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
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I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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