I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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