I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Randomize
