Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
