Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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