Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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