stop calling my apartment porn island.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
