I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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