: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
