I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
