why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
