So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
