weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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