I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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