you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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