you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
