I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
