I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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