oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
