Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
