The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
