I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Someone shit on the floor
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Randomize
