Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
