Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
zippers are such a cool invention
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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