That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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