how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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