Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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