the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
